I was sort of wondering when to write this, but I guess now is as good a time as any (seeing as I’m currently procrastinating from doing work for uni). Firstly, thank you so much for continuing to be so kind to me. I don’t even know how to thank you, but I think a speedy update would be the best way. I will reply to every single Tweet, message, review, question as soon as I can. It may take me a while, so bear with me, but I promise that you will be replied to.
I’m now doing a course in Business Administration, having dropped out of my course for writing. I haven’t given up my ambition to write professionally, but I just wasn’t enjoying the course. I didn’t click with the people, I didn’t enjoy the material, the lecturers weren’t particularly amazing. It just didn’t drive me to want to be a writer. And there was way too much focus on things that are, in my opinion, completely useless unless you have a specific interest in them. Writing for Children is not interesting to me in any shape or form. At the moment I really just want to make money. Then later I can think about that novel I want to write.
Anyway. I should probably address my huge absence. Firstly, it wasn’t that I was avoiding writing S4S. I actually still really do love that fic, and I fully intend to finish it. Basically, what started off as me just being busy became me just being too depressed and apathetic to even think about writing.
Then NYE came, and that’s really when the drama started. It wasn’t a great night. I ended up doing something stupid. Well, two things. Both were silly and a bit embarrassing. (Incidentally, both concern drunk!texting…) It wasn’t anything terrible, but it affected me for a while afterwards. I really just felt like I drank too much, said stupid things and that I didn’t really have that much fun with my friends. There was also this girl who turned up, who I really dislike. She just ruins night outs for me. I can’t deal with her. She’s so loud and obnoxious, and completely false. I just want to give her a piece of my mind whenever I see her, but some of my friends are friends with her so there’s a good chance she’ll turn up again.
From NYE onwards I just felt like shit, to put it bluntly. I got really sick in early January, both mentally and physically. I felt so ill, and I just couldn’t face anything. I was beginning to HATE my work, because my boss went absolutely apeshit at me one day late last year. He was incredibly harsh, and I was incredibly upset. He just made me feel absolutely worthless. Since then, I just dreaded work.
Then in November I went away for a week and a half with my best friend Alice. And it was amazing. We went to a place called Greenwell Point in New South Wales. We did a roadtrip down there, and it was just great. We went through all this amazing farmland, and isolated towns. We also went to the Harry Potter exhibition while we were in Sydney on the way back, and that was amazing. But staying with her grandparents (though they were so nice and have one of the most AMAZING houses I have ever seen) made me really, really homesick. I started to feel like I just desperately wanted to be home. It also made me really regret that I couldn’t spend time with my relatives. They all live in England; I only have one cousin over here and she lives near Sydney.
Anyway. So, to continue whingeing… I started to get really sick almost every time I went to work. I would get so anxious, and so stressed out by my boss and his wife, who is such a shrewish old harpy, to put it mildly. I ended up vomiting one day when I went in, and the manager didn’t even offer to allow me to go home. I was working so hard, and I was obviously physically ill. Not only that, but I was getting paid junior rates for doing senior work. I was just so over it.
The next week, I basically broke down and just couldn’t bring myself to go in. I quit soon after, because my parents said I could work for them. So I am, and I still have a weekly income. Thank God. And the Certificate III I’m working for in Business Admin will be a huge help to get me an office job as soon as I finish it, and that will put me on a very decent wage. I’m just over doing entry level work. Shitty jobs like Night Owl. I’ve done my fair share of shitty jobs. From the time I was fourteen and a half I have been working in shitty, boring jobs. And I’m sick of hating what I do.
Late in January I went back to the doctor, and she changed my medication, because the medication I was on was making me very fatigued. I was also putting on SO MUCH weight. My weight ballooned up to 63kg (about 138 pounds) and that is the heaviest I have ever been. I’m now back down to 56kg (about 123 pounds) and my goal is to get below 55, which for my height is fine. I’m a pretty tall girl, so I probably shouldn’t get too skinny. But anyway. So these new meds made me quite nauseous at first. Especially mixed with the Pill, which I’m also on. But they seem to be doing the trick.
I also had a bad experience a couple of weeks back when I got on a train. I started to get incredibly flustered and panicky, which hasn’t happened in so long. I’m losing patience with my Social Anxiety. I just want to say FUUUUUUU to the entire thing. I AM SO OVER IT. I don’t want to be socially anxious ANY MORE. I want to be relaxed, and not freak out when I get on public transport. I don’t want to be all awkward around new people. So over the last week or so I’ve just decided to stop caring. I’m just going to float along. I don’t want to be chained up by the anxiety any more.
I’m not going to get emotionally distraught because someone didn’t like S4S, or freak out because someone is taking too long to text me back. I’m just going to chill. And I’m going to stop thinking every second that my best friend will suddenly realise that she’s friends with a loser and abandon me. I’m just going to not care.
The probability of this new-found freedom lasting longer than a fortnight is doubtful. But it’s nice to have goals.